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As a late Christmas present, I drove my two cousins to go see their dad. (They're old enough to drive, but this is usually an eight hour drive round trip, and they hate driving.)
It took fourteen goddamn hours. And about five hours in on the way back, in the middle of the night, in bumper-to-bumper, one of them starts talking about Twilight, which gets the other one going. Around this time, fog is rolling in, and I can barely see out the window. When I do finally see something, that something is the very high-up edge of a mountain, and the little hills down below, peering up at me in the dark. The conversation in the car went like this for three fucking hours:
Emma (cousin): Edward is soooooooo hot! I want a man just like him!
Danielle (cousin): No way! Jacob is sooooooooo much hotter! Literally!
Me (scared shitless driver): Mommy, make the bad fog go away...
When the fog was gone, I pulled over, whipped around and told both of them to shut the hell up. I listed all the reasons why Twilight sucks. And I threatened to ditch them on the side of the road if either of them mentioned Twilight.
I just got back, and I feel a little guilty...but only a little.



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"Over the years I've worked up a brief yet effective speech introducing the bar and some of its more outre elements. It saves a lot of trouble with the new kids.
Now then, this is the House of Mystery. It's a mystical place located at a supernatural crossroads between many worlds. Anyone who can find it is welcome to enter. We have a fully stocked bar, the kitchen is open until midnight, and we don't serve anything that's still alive. There was an incident.
This is a pretty mixed crowd, as you can see, so you discuss politics and religion at your own risk. Sex is fine--just not on the tables. If you do cause any trouble, you'll instantly regret it, because the scary pirate lady will hurt you and then toss you out on your ass.
Monday is ladies' night."